LOST AND FOUND

Christmas is hard. Nine years ago at Christmas time, I lost my son - and needed to find myself. I learned that when you lose a loved one, life goes on, and you have to go on too. You have to learn to live with the grief first, then the pain, then the acceptance of - 'life goes on'. Life is no longer what it was, what you wanted it to be, it becomes a NEW normal. But in all instances, God will see you through it all. 

I devoted myself to my son for 40 years, and along the way I lost myself. I was so focused on his happiness, I forgot reality and my own happiness. I felt like I had lost my soul and was empty inside. 

Ten years ago, I retired from working, after 50 years of a career that took many twists and turns. I started working in a shoe store when I was 16 years old. After high school and college, I lived at home and had a full time job. My father taught me financial responsibility by charging me $10 per month rent for my room. I never regretted learning the many lessons of life he taught me and standing on my own two feet. 

I will never forget the one statement he drilled into me from the time I was a teenager: "you have two feet to stand on and a head on your shoulders - use them."

After I retired, I realized how dependent I had become on my son, as an adult, for help around the house while I was living alone. He was married at the time. But then soon after, I lost him. I went through the grief and the pain. I had to reinvent my life. I had to do things for myself. I had to stand on those two feet of mine, and use my head. 

A long-time friend of mine told me I was good at reinventing myself after several traumatic events or circumstances I have been through in my life. I started going back to church. In my last job, I worked on Sundays, therefore was unable to attend. I grew up going to church, then life changes, marriage and divorce happens, moves to other cities, and then coming back home to stay in my parents house after their deaths. All these things change a person. Circumstances can change a person. 

After years of soul searching, reevaluating my life, reinventing myself again and again, I think I have finally found myself again. I have learned to stand on my own two feet. I use my head, I am a problem solver, and a creator of things. 

The biggest heartache of my life was to lose my son. But today, I believe I have found myself, and regained my soul. Love is stronger than any emotion, more important than any other emotion, and hurts the most to lose it. God's love got me through many years of hardships, difficulties, and years of pain. I am a survivor - a survivor of many things, physical abuse, mental abuse, and losses of loved ones until there was only me, standing alone, to take care of myself. 

Now that I am older, I focus more on myself and happiness. I did so much for so many others for so many years. I still do what I can for as many as I can, but resources and physical help are limited now. So I again reinvent myself to do what I can physically around the house, and giving what I can, when I can, to others. That is part of my happiness - the search to find my NEW SELF. 

Angels

 

Words Matter

Words matter. Words can hurt. Words can harm. Words can offend. Words can encourage. Words can inspire. Words can motivate.

I learned two new words this week. Paradigm: noun, a typical example of a pattern of something. And. Soliloquy: noun, an act of speaking one's thoughts aloud when by oneself regardless of any hearers. 

"They" say, you are never too old to learn. 

We learn something, however small, every single day. Learning can come from an old friend or a new friend. That is what communication is for, to make conversation. Conversations can be long, as in talking, or a related email; or they can be as short as a text on a phone. It is how you word them that makes the difference. Conversations are a matter of interpretation. 

I don't talk on the phone much, my conversations are mostly texts or emails (long and short ones). The reason: the recipients of my conversations are either too busy to stop and talk, have busy family lives, or work and can't take breaks just whenever. Therefore, texts are mostly short and to the point, and can be read at the convenience of the receiver. Just be careful; some texts are not always considered conversational. 

A related event or circumstance sent as a text can sometimes be categorized as a soliloquy. Therefore, the modern version of 'one's thoughts aloud' alone can also now be 'thoughts typed' and shared. 

A paradigm is a routine, a way of doing things, when done over and over form a pattern of being or conduct. A person may not even know they have a pattern for a certain thing. For example, if you brush your teeth the same way every day, that's a paradigm. A person can do the same thing, day in and day out, over and over, and not realize it is a pattern of conduct. It is just them, being themselves, how they have been for years. It might have been called a habit. Some people are creatures of habit. For example, "I am just me, and this is how I do it" syndrome. 

You should not have to change for another person, or they for you. People should be accepted for who and what they are, like them, love them, or not. We have choices. Improvements in oneself are good, but a total transformation is hard. Sometimes, even the smallest change is hard, if it concerns behaviors. 

If a person falls on hard times, he/she might have to reinvent themselves to rise above it, or fix the problem encountered. I have had many ups and downs in my life, and each one called for reinventing myself to establish new goals, accomplish new things, change patterns. For example, after a divorce or family death, or joblessness, or poverty. I have been through all of those. 

I worked for over 50 years, lost family, lost jobs, lost possessions, and was struggling to make ends meet. If you fall, you must rise again, to live another day. 

My motto, just be yourself, be the best you can be, try and try again if necessary. But keep going, look forward, not backward. You can't change the past, but you can make a new future.

Sometimes, the best thing you can do is just be happy with where you are and thankful for what you have. God will provide. God will protect.