|I share this candle now for a lost loved one.|
To those who I've talked to and those who have emailed me about my recent torturous last six weeks, I thank you all for your care and concern. I want you to know that today I got a sort of closure to my dilemma.
I felt like I was hanging by a thread, strung along, disrespected, and treated badly as a Mother and a woman. A woman gives of herself, sacrifices everything she can, financially, emotionally, spiritually, and timewise, but sometimes a person can get hurt more than words can express. The heartbreak is a killer; the stab in the back is emotionally draining; and I felt it all.
Today I learned that a person I formally knew to be kind, caring and compassionate is no longer those things to me. I have expressed my extreme pain and suffering to no avail, no compassion, no empathy for my feelings. When a person no longer cares and moves on, so must I. Letting go of the pain, praying for healing and peace in my soul is now beginning. The pain cuts deep and is long-lasting as I found out emotionally about four years ago, but when I fell, there was someone there to help me up and encourage me to go on. Now that person has just walked out of my life, rearranging his life priorities which no longer include family-types, unconditional love and support and being there for someone.
I have gone through the normal stages of grief, and now must finish the "acceptance" phase and start the healing. I must do this for myself. No one is going to take care of me, except ME. I must now stand up for myself and do what is best for ME. This is hard for a loving and giving person like myself, but I will do my best.
I will miss my former relationship, but at least closure came in the form of actual WORDS today, not just silence and distance. We all go through hard times in life, and I've sure had more than my share in the past ten or fifteen years, but like Kelly Clarkson's song says, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."
Trust is a virtue that is earned and I have now learned not to trust; it will be a LONG time before I will be able to trust anyone like I trusted someone for the past four years. I now have major life decisions to make and decide where to go from here. Most of my family is deceased or living out of town or out of state. I will take my time and decide carefully what to do or where to go next. My lesson of trust and acceptance, loving-caring-giving will be highly re-evaluated.
I want to especially thank my minister/friend for the counsel and advice he gave me recently. I listened carefully and understood his words. I could no longer continue to be put through the mental anguish and suffering that I was subjected to for the past six weeks. Another friend of mine sent me a message today that said, "It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful." So I will release the painful feelings, close one special chapter in my life, and look forward to what may come in the future. I can only hope and pray. To start the healing process, I've been told I must start by wishing him well. Forgiveness is hard when major pain is inflicted, but I am going to work on it. I will take control and no longer let anyone disrespect me, or hurt me as deeply as I have been hurt.
Another item that I saw on Facebook recently was "If someone treats you like crap, just remember, there is something wrong with them, not you. Normal people don't go around destroying other human beings." (Especially human beings who've given everything to help and support someone.) I have learned and I will eventually heal. Time heals all wounds is not always true; some stay a long time in the heart, but the heart can continue to beat and we just learn to take one day at a time. My new goal - take one day at a time and don't expect anything.